Back In Action One Last Time To Wish You A Merry Christmas

Hello patient blog readers.....I'm baaaack!

And, I'm only two months late(r) than I hoped. At one time it was my wish to bring my new blog to life about the same time I turned the big 5-0. However, starting something new never seems to go as smoothly as I hope, so it has taken me far longer than I first predicted.

But the good news is, you can now head over to http://terrispaulding.com and find my new blog, Treelined Roads. I'm excited to announce that I will also be using my Sweatfree Hostess blog  http://sweatfreehostess.com to begin sharing recipes and easy entertaining tips. You can access both from http://terrispaulding.com. Sweatfree Hostess is found under the "recipe" tab so you only need to bookmark one site.

I sincerely hope you will continue to follow me over at my new digs. Blogging has become a way of life for me, I appreciate every visit, every comment, every affirmation that my words resonate with you. Please continue to share your feedback with me.

I wish you and yours a Merry Christmas and a New Year Filled with Joy. 2012 has been one of the most difficult years of my life... but I have no doubt that 2013 is going to be awesome for all of us.

---Terri

P.S. I still have a bit of work to do on my older blogposts (categorizing and reformatting) and on the new site (bios and the "about" information), so please continue to be patient with me.

The Time Has Come...

...to say goodbye to my When I Grow Up blog and announce exciting plans for the new adventure I'm calling Nothing Short of Real.

I'm so excited!

In less than a month, I will turn the big 5-0. That means I have officially grown up, and I figured it was the perfect time for my blog to grow up also. I am super excited to announce that construction has begun over at my new blog which can be found at http://terrispaulding.com. What started out as a learning experience has ended up becoming a way of life for me. I not only found my voice but I discovered that I have a lot more to say...and I need a bigger place to say it.

Thank you to those that have taken this When I Grow Up journey with me, by reading my words and  commenting on my posts. It would be an honor if you'd follow me over at my new place when it goes live. For now please bookmark http://terrispaulding.com and stay tuned. I'm hoping to launch the new site sometime in late October.

Thanks for your patience as I move forward. And especially for all your past blog love, I truly appreciate every visitor.

---Terri

P.S. And a super big thank you to my sweet husband who sold some of his beloved equipment to give me the best 50th birthday present ever: the chance to move my dream forward.

No One Asked Me

Funny how a year changes everything. At this time last year I was just getting used to the idea of taking on another child. Yesterday, I let him go....

 My time with him will forever be etched in my heart. Even if it was all turned around to sound ugly and wrong in court yesterday. I know it wasn't his idea to pretend the experience with us was not a good one. It was his mother's. It was clear by her reaction when the guardianship was terminated that she wasn't doing it for the right reasons. Surprisingly enough, she was actually mad. Mad that the "judge" asked Jeffrey point blank if he was asking to go back and live with his mom, in order to take care of her. Obviously the question hit way too close to home and explains why immediately afterward, she stormed out of the courtroom.

Her reaction made it all the worse for me. Because it gave confirmation to me, that her intentions were not honorable. For Jeff's sake I had hoped they would be. I wanted her to want Jeff back because she wanted time with him, I wanted him to be the reason. I fear it was more about something else entirely.

For two months I had quietly been grieving.; knowing inevitably I would have no say, and no control in this matter of such importance. If he wanted to, he was going to go back to her, no matter what I said or who stood behind me in support. Earlier this summer his mother filed paperwork saying we had been unfit guardians. (Although she eventually ended  up dropping her accusations.).

After court, a mixture of helplessness and anger fueled me through the rest of the day. I asked myself over and over, could I have fought the decision? Yes. Would it have done any good? No. Jeff is 16.5 and the court has no real option but to consider his wishes. Just like when his wish was to join our family to get away from his mother; they listened. In the end, it didn't matter, no one even asked me what I thought. I guess the "judge" could see what was written all over my face. I had no choice but to let him go back to his mom, and back to the life I thought I had saved him from.

How dare she be mad! She got what she wanted, she got Jeff. He sat in court and said he wanted to be returned to her. To cover for her perjury on that original paperwork, he lied in court yesterday and insinuated we took him to Pine Rest because of several attempts at self harm. (We took him to get tested for ADHD and a learning disability.) He told the judge he had gone to therapy while living with us, and had gotten better; in reality I dragged him there three times and he barely said anything. 

I'm sorry she put him in a position to have to lie. He knows very clearly how I feel about lying, it can't make him feel good about himself, or his decision to leave us to live with her, knowing that we all know the truth. My heart breaks for that kind of pressure on a kid, no wonder the testing at Pine Rest came back and said he had PTSD---more than likely caused by his own mother.
 

I remember writing my post about how happy I was last spring because it felt like he had settled in and found a comfortable place here. I look at pictures and see what I thought was a happier kid. One who seemed calmer, and one who smiled and laughed more. In retrospect maybe I was just projecting my happiness onto him, and reading more into things every time he opened up, even if it was only just a little.
 

Thinking of him now brings tears to my eyes. And an ache to my heart. We will be spending this Labor Day weekend without him, and it will remind me of the promise of last year, and the hope we all had for a better life for him, and with him.

 

Good luck Jeffrey, I hope someday you realize that everything we did, we did completely for you. Because we believe in you. Our door is always open.

 

P.S. Didn't I once say that sometimes the hardest part of parenting is letting go....I was right.

 

 

A Matter Of Choice

 

“Destiny is not a matter of chance; it is a matter of choice. It is not a thing to be waited for; it is a thing to be achieved.” ---William Jennings Bryan

 Photo Credit: Mollie Kwiek Photography

My 18 year old son spent the night in jail this week. He was arrested for possession of marijuana.

Not what you’d call a mom’s proudest moment, not by a long shot. It also isn’t the kind of news a person wants to share, and yet it feels like I am not being truthful if I leave it out of the conversation.

Being a realist, I sometimes get accused of being pessimistic; I’m not. But I am cautious and I do worry. I feel the need to prepare myself for the worst, anticipating what could happen, so that I can deal with what actually does. The control freak in me hates surprises. Many times my “preparing” just ends up as wasted worry.

Not this time.

When I got the news that my son had been taken to jail from a friend of his, I was calmer than I had anticipated I could ever be. Maybe the relief in knowing that at least he was alive had something to do with that. When he didn’t come home the night before, nor answer his phone all day long, my mom”dar” imagination was going all kinds of crazy places.

There have been signs for a while that something wasn’t quite right with him. But no amount of talking seemed to break through his angry shell. About a week before this incident I broached what I thought was a frank discussion about where his life was headed, or wasn’t headed. I actually said the words: “I want to know the truth, are you doing drugs? I do not want to be blindsided, I want to know what we are dealing with.”

Deep down did I really think he was smoking pot?  No. He’s a good liar. I believed him when he said he wasn’t. That he wouldn’t. That he knew it was stupid, and he knew the risks. I rationalized the lingering doubt in me by assuming that he had tried it, and had stopped. What he really meant is…I know the risks and I don’t care.

I have never tried an illegal substance, neither has my husband, so it is hard to understand this situation my son finds himself in. I have explained, no doubt ad nausea, why I personally considered the risks of smoking marijuana not worth taking. I had hoped both my kids would use this sage advice to come to the same conclusion we did. Clearly, it didn’t work that way.

How should a parent feel in this situation? Guilty? Disappointed? Angry? Or like a failure for not having made sure the message was clear? Well, in truth, feeling any of that would just be a waste of energy. He’d have done the same thing regardless.

Honestly I feel a little relieved, at least now I know the truth. I hope this was his rock bottom and that from here things will start looking up. I hope I can stop being the kind of mom who looks at every weird object I find laying around the house and wondering what it was used for. I want to lose the urge I sometimes feel to search through his wastebasket to see if anything looks suspect.

I want to stop feeling guilty for not trusting my own child.

He put himself in this situation not only knowing how we felt about marijuana use, but knowing exactly what the consequences of getting caught with it might be. Funny how a strong willed child grows into an 18 year old who believes that by his sheer will no bad things are going to happen to him.

I feel embarrassed, but not for my sake, I am embarrassed for him. I am disappointed in him, but not more than he is in himself. I do worry about his future but I also realize how fiercely I love that kid. I wished his life to be all neat and tidy, all the unpleasant setbacks happily absent. But, that is what I wanted for him and this isn’t my story. It’s his. And his story is made up of his choices.

I have learned that people have to make their own mistakes, no matter how hard you try to show them the easier way. So that means this is not a reflection on my parenting skills, it is about a kid making his own mistakes and in turn having to accept responsibility for his actions.

The big question now is what will he do with his second chance? I have faith that he will grow from this experience, and that he will use it to become the person I believe he was always meant to be.